The Emotional Journey of Separation
A portion of my practice involves working with families going through a separation. This Friday I am sharing some of my thoughts on how to manage and cope during a marital breakdown.
So glad you are here. Friday Five is all about being intentional about our mental health. 5 ideas, questions, tools, and resources to encourage you to lean in, care for yourself, and reset.
Have you found yourself in the painful life transition of separation/divorce? If so, you are not alone. Statistics over the last few decades have found that approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce (Peltz Dennison, 2017). The rate is higher for second and third marriages. (Peltz Dennison, 2017).
The decision to end a relationship is never easy. Whether you were the one to make the final decision to separate or the one on the receiving end of the decision, separation is heartbreaking! Over the next few weeks, Friday Five is going to address the emotional journey of separation. While it is important and necessary to face the legal and financial implications of separation, the emotional impact is critical as well.
My work in Collaborative Practice and Family Mediation has given me the incredible privilege of working with hundreds of couples going through a separation. The goal of both approaches is to help families transition to two homes in a respectful manner. A secondary goal is to keep people out of the court system. Collaborative Practice and Family Mediation encourage the couple to work together to make decisions with the well-being of their family in mind. This includes tending to one’s mental health. With that in mind, my colleague Tatiana Terekhova (she’s responsible for the awesome graphics!) and I co-created a resource called “The Emotional Journey of Separation” (send me a message with your email address if you would like a copy). In it, I highlight that the emotional journey of separation is not linear, and like other forms of loss such as death, we go through different stages in the process as we grieve. Today I want to focus on the first stage of this grieving process: shock and grief.
Whenever we face a trauma (and yes, friends, a separation is traumatic), our initial response, especially when the decision is unexpected is shock. Stress levels are heightened, and the basic needs we have for wellness, sleep, food and nutrition, and exercise, are impacted. Memory and overall brain function are compromised as well. One’s sense of stability and security in the world gets highjacked. This is common and normal. What is important is to work toward managing one’s health amid this crisis.
Here are 5 suggestions for managing one’s mental health when faced with a crisis:
1. Focus on sleep. It might sound like an odd place to start but sleep deprivation makes everything way harder. See the Friday Five on sleep for suggestions on how to develop healthier sleep habits. And be patient with yourself as you work to improve your sleep. When a body goes into shock it takes time to regulate itself. Small improvements and habit changes are the best approaches.
2. Consider your nutrition. People often report either an increase or a decrease in appetite when they go through a separation. Work to limit sugar and caffeine intake as both negatively affect physical and mental wellness. If your appetite has tanked, try to incorporate small meals and/or smoothies to provide some needed brain fuel. Running on empty will not help you move out of shock and grief.
3. Exercise. This is a tough one. Most people I speak to struggle to exercise in the early days of separation. That’s understandable. Modify accordingly and consider walking daily rather than attempting more intense workouts. Exercise is an amazing way to manage stress but remember that it will take time to regain the energy to workout.
4. Consider your mindset. What are you focusing your thoughts on? This is the most challenging and most important area to pay attention to, in my opinion. It’s easy to go down the rabbit hole of catastrophizing, imagining the worst-case scenario(s) for your future. Deep breath. It’s going to be okay. Will it be difficult? Of course. Will you get through it? Absolutely! Consider writing down some “truth statements” to keep you grounded. What do you need to say to yourself as a reminder that you will be okay? Don’t expect to believe them right now. Heightened emotions make it hard to see clearly. When you get spiralling down the “what if” road, remember that you are “not there yet”, you have people in your life who love you, and “feelings aren’t facts”.
5. Recruit and grow your community. This is critical, and something that I often hear has been limited leading up to the separation. The friends you used to hang out with before life got busy. The family who lives in different cities whom you haven’t seen in a long time. The co-workers you keep meaning to see outside of work hours. You need to be intentional here about seeking out support. Ask for help. Only you know your specific needs. And consider growing your professional support team. See your family doctor for a check-in and find a Registered Psychotherapist who will support you through this journey. Similar to the saying “it takes a village to raise our kids”, it takes a village to get a person through the separation process.
Take away: Whom do you know who might benefit from today’s Friday Five? Consider forwarding it to them with the encouragement to sign up for Friday Five. The next weeks focus specifically on separation and divorce support.
Reference:
Peltz Dennnison, R. (2017). Do half of all marriages really end in divorce? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/heart-the-matter/201704/do-half-all-marriages-really-end-in-divorce
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